whatever happened to the gods of old?

whatever happened to the good, old-fashioned roman-esque / greek pantheon of gods?
yeah i know christianity has the whole 3-in-1 combo thing going… like a shamrock or a BLT.
you got the bacon, the lettuce and the tomato, but it’s all really one sandwich.
but does that really compare to a 5-course meal of the pantheon?
i think not.

if you’re hungry for religion would you prefer a lunchtime snack or the whole shebang?
how can a sandwich compare to a roast ruler of all, the shrimp cocktail starter of love, the soup that reaigns over death, the twin desserts of comedy and tragedy, the coffee of trickery and the cajun-style chicken of fate?
with a pantheon there are so many tales of political backstabbing, infighting and conquests.
gods that play a super-chess with mortal heros as pawns, each jostling to become the main course.
with a single combo god all you’d get is schizophrenia.
i mean sure… he’s all portable like a swiss army knife, great for camping when you can’t take everything… but you try cut firewood with that tiny little saw.
the pantheon is akin to a toolbelt of dieties.
each god specialized in its sphere of influence. the wrench goddess for tightening nuts (goddess of love?), the plane god of smoothing wood (god of nature?), etc…

and in the old pantheons people got to sleep with gods and beget hybrid children.
how awsome must sex with a god be?
“did the earth move for you too honey?”
“yes dear… i’m the goddess of earthquakes and disasters!”
“oh… right… wanna go again?”

whereas the sandwich god is a cold fish. even his son was immaculate conception.
jeez… way to show a woman a good time there.

and the stories…
pantheons had great tales of heros and villans, cyclops’ and dragons, muses and mysteries.
what does combo-god number 5 have? the da vinci code… and they don’t even accept that.
man. which is more impressive to you: a god that has a champion who’s 1/2 man, 1/2 god. a veritible titan, impervious to damage except for his weak spot.
or a god that has a champion that got nailed to a cross, died, came back and then ran away?

they don’t make religion like they used to.
it’s a lost art.

i’d like to see a religion created by true masters:
a conglomerate of stephen king, william gibson, stan lee, terry pratchet, and warren ellis.
not that would be a religion i’d like to read about!


8 Responses to whatever happened to the gods of old?

  1. evo.llusion says:

    awesome post =)

  2. totalwaste says:

    isn’t that essentially what william gibson created in neuromancer? if you let terry pratchett in he’d be coming with his entourage, gotta be careful there…

  3. dystopia says:

    i reckon that would make the most awesome religion man kind has ever seen. we need to bring back the old way. they knew how to do religion properly, none of this love thy neighbour bullshit. most pantheons had a god of war, a god of causing shit, and god of wine women and song. now they consider a biscuit and a sip of wine a party

  4. Mr Angry says:

    Have you read any Neil Gaiman? he loves the old gods. In the world of “The Sandman” they’re all still walking around – they just had to find new jobs.

  5. babyacid says:

    Introducing a new pantheon of gods in this age would result in only on thing:


    Say no to new religions.

  6. stupidtom says:

    Spectacular. Put me down for some Argonaut work if it comes up.

  7. Chloe says:

    I agree. They no longer make religion like they used to. It’s especially horrid for Roman Catholics. We have a god who asks our men to have their foreskins hacked off and make the journey from Egypt, across deserts, and into the promised land all for what? Sometimes, I suspect this god gets his kicks making outrageous requests. The more outlandish the request, the better. “Tell the pharaoh to let you go!” What reason should we give him?” “Tell him I your God said so.” If that isn’t faulty reasoning right there, I don’t know what is. =)

  8. Carpark says:

    Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation :) Anyway … nice blog to visit.

    cheers, Carpark

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