“resonant attack wave of doughy flesh”

you know what really pisses me off?
stupid people!
you know what pisses me off more than stupid people?
stupid people who don’t understand the concept of “personal space!”
you know what pisses me off more than stupid people who don’t understand the concept of personal space?
obese stupid people who don’t understand the concept of personal space.
and you know what pisses me off more than obese stupid people who don’t understand the concept of personal space?
having to stand in line with them!
if there is a hell then there’s a long line in front of the entrance.

now i’m not talking your average, run-of-the-mill overweight person here…
i’m talking full-blown, knee cracking, deadly sin style obese where the person wheezes because the weight on their chest is causing breathing difficulties.
the type of person that somehow defies the laws of physics because their leg bones should splinter as soon as they take a single step…
maybe they’re walking on solid fat? maybe it calcifies in the center and forms a kind of fat-bone?
i mean the american indians used to use every part of the bison, but these people would eat the whole thing in a single sitting… as a snack… and still be hungry!
now there seems to be a certain culture in south africa that values massive, death-star proportions in women (something caveman-like about wealthy due to being well fed.) but you see it in almost every culture…
i think its a “trash” thing: you know, trailer trash, ghetto trash, etc…
it always seems to be the people that can’t afford to live and requires a handout that looks like they spend more than you earn on food every day.
now i know the arguments about junk food being cheap etc… but that’s not what i’m talking about here so go argue with someone else about why their fat.

all i’m saying is that if you wire their jaws shut then they wouldn’t be so large.
and genetics has nothing to do with it. genetics say you put the fat on your ass or on your nose or whatever… unless you have whale genes in you, you have no excuse to be obese.
overweight i can understand and i have no problem with. overweight is a lifestyle choice and doesn’t make someone cough up a mouthful of vomit when they see an overweight person eating.
obese is just plain disgusting.

now the real reason for today’s blog:
standing in line with the type of person who looks like they have their own gravity. (maybe that’s the problem? food gravitates towards them and they need to eat their way out of a debris field of doritos and chocolate bars so that they can see the tv from the couch where they park their lazy, truck-sized asses!)
i try to avoid lines if i can as i’m sure we all do. no-one likes to spend time staring at someone else’s back and drooling quietly, but sometimes its unavoidable. sometimes you just need to see a bank teller or (my more regular problem) you need to wait in line to catch the bus up to university.
unfortunately i have to do this almost every morning. i would walk except the geniuses that built my university decided to put it halfway up a mountain. this means that i could kill myself walking up in the mornings and not be able to hear the lecturer over my gasping cries for air in the rarefied atmosphere that comes with high altitudes, or i could catch the bus up.
i walk down from varsity and am quite happy to get the exercise, but in the morning i need to get in line.

now whenever i’m standing in line there always seems to be one of these obese people that enters the line behind me… and that’s when the jostling begins.
until you reach the front of the line and escape, or until your sanity cracks and you run away (vowing never to return, yet you always do) you will be bumped and shoved and prodded by whatever flabby part is closest at hand, or stomache, or elbow…
for some reason these obese people think they need to stand closer to me than a skinny person does.
hey! man who looks like he just ate his way to this point in the line… don’t you know where your body ends?

seriously… do obese people not have a spatial awareness of their size? surely they can see the horizon of their distended bellies encroaching on me as they waddle down the line?
maybe excess fat results in bad eyesight?
either way i get continuously and annoyingly jostled… and it really annoys the fuck out of me!
i make sure that i’m not bodily violating the person in front of me by keeping a step back from them so that we both have a little space to move and breathe, and it really fucks me off when someone else doesn’t do the same for me.
i don’t want to be touched by you and fondled by your protruding nipple-flab-spears.
so what ends up happening??? i have to close the gap with the person in front of me to try get some distance from the cloying tentacles.
what does mr/mrs 5-chickens-for-lunch do? they think the lines moving and so they move forward.
maybe their trying to hook a roll onto me so that i carry some of their weight for the wait???

of course in south africa whenever you get bumped you think you’re getting your pockets picked. well, i do ever since i’ve caught people trying to pick my pockets (and not in the good way). so whenever i get bumped i begin patting myself down to check everything is still there.
of course jumbo will continue to bump you over and over and over and over like chinese water torture and involving more chicken grease!

maybe obese people do stop before getting to you and their momentum simply carries loose weight round to their front where it ends up in some sort of resonant attack wave of doughy flesh that they are somehow unaware of.
or maybe their nerves are streched so much that the messages get tired before reaching the brain and give up so they are never informed of the fact that their bellybutton keeps trying to make intimate contact with your ear.
or maybe they’re just used to things poking them as they walk down corridors and walkways designed to accomidate people of the same dimensions of the family they just ate and not someone who looks like they’ve just eaten a family of people.
so used to being poked that even short elbow jabs are ignored, leaving you iritated and madly doing train impressions with your arms trying to fight for a little breathing space before jubba completely crushes you.

and then there’s the obese woman with her handbag!
a true demon who has studied the art of creatively getting you to lose your cool and kill.
why do you need to keep turning around and hooking my back with the corner of your ugly, unwieldy, apparently metal, bag of pain?
what do you need such a massive bag for anyway?
is it refridgerated?
i assume its a pantry in case you get stuck more that 5 minutes away from an eatery of some sort and need to sustain yourself until the sun burns out and the world ends.
get your giant sack of hurt away from me and take your giant sack of fat with you!

i’d suggest that these obese personal space offenders walk around with a hoola-hoop around them to learn the “comfort zone” of people, except i don’t think they could get the hoola hoop over their 27th chin, nevermind around their waist.
next time i need to get in a line i think i’ll take a donut with me and when the staypuff man decides to hump me with his belly i’ll just throw it towards the back of the line and hope i get someone skinny and xenophobic behind me.
then i’ll cough!

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5 Responses to “resonant attack wave of doughy flesh”

  1. moonflake says:

    crying with laughter! good to see you back on form :) *kisses*

  2. Mr Angry says:

    Dude, you’ve been away too lonh. That is soooo goddam funny!

  3. Anonymous says:

    Seeing as I’m not South African and don’t yet fully understand the rules of SA “polite society” I asked total waste the following:
    Is it not polite to politely turn around and request that the obscenely obese bastard standing behind you to kindly take about ten steps back, you fat fuck.
    To which he replied “no.”
    How about without the “fat fuck?”
    Honestly, is it really that hard for you to ask these people to stop touching you? Would that not be infinitely less uncomfortable than stand there feeling pissed off?

  4. zenstar says:

    unfortunately 90% of the time the obese interloper is.. (how do we put this politely???) of extremely high pigmentation count… um… indigenous to the land… er… african-african…
    (you get the picture)

    this means 2 things:
    1) often they speak one of south africa’s 11 official languages that i don’t speak (that leaves them with 9.5 to choose from) and so don’t understand me.
    2) if they get pissed off they’ll play the racist card and i’m liable to be thrown out and possibly sued (sa is a wonderful, loving, tolerant place where the racist card and the “blame it on apartheid” card get played almost daily.

    and do you really want to piss off someone who can crush your body with just the weight hanging off one elbow?

  5. Spot says:

    coming through loud and clear amigo… well at least you can yell at the whites extra loud to make up for it….

    oh! there’s an “other” posting ability… why didn’t I notice that before?

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